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The Truth Hurts
More than a year has passed since this and yet, some things still hold true. Its awesome how that happens. I still miss D, I wish I didn't. But if I'm being completely honest. I do. Everything always comes back to him. Even when I have this totally amazing bf. We will have been together for a year coming up next month. I'm so excited. I have always wanted to say that. I've been with him for a year. I remember listening to people say that and I was just so fascinated by their commitment. I wanted that. Now though, there are some things about him that bother me. But hell, there better be. If I expect the perfect relationship, I'll never find a guy. I'm taking some honors classes this year. Not the funnest thing I've ever done. Can't wait for summer. I might be going on this totally awesome trip to see the world. That might actually top the summer of 09.
There's always something more to change, or do or not do. Something to improve upon. I had the most amazing year last year. This year, I sometimes feel like a shadow in the mist of the high school experience. I sit with three people at my lunch table and none of us really talk much. Last year we were always fighting for more chairs. My boyfriend is in college now, so I don't see him between all my classes throughout every day anymore. I still see him though. We hang out at least a few times a week. I've lost twenty pounds since last year. I have to work three times as hard as last year for some of my grades and I have homework almost every night. I'm just not used to it, I'll catch up eventually. Its not as hard as I make it sound. I'm just a huge procrastinator
Current music: It's beautiful - .
Its kinda funny how everything really does change so fast. One day i can be a girl who needs so bad to please everyone that shes willing to throw herself away and the next she can be the prize. I dont have to work to be who anyone wants me to be. Maybe i can just be me. its enough for him, why cant it be enough for everyone else??
Sometimes i miss her, sometimes im scared to be around her influence. Sometimes i miss the times we had, sometimes i wanna smack myself because of them. Sometimes i miss the old me, and sometimes im happy that part of my life is over. Sometimes i miss the supposed freedom, and still other times i feel protected now.
Im in the arms of someone who will do everything to keep me safe, but he'll let me make my mistakes. Its weird, sometimes i almost feel that older brother protective vibe from him. But i love him in a much different way than just that. I remember when he was like my older brother, my best friend. I didnt think he would ever like me like that. But here we are.
Sometimes im afraid that it was just a mistake that went all too well. That it wasnt just me. It could've been anyone, i was just the lucky one. But does it really matter how it happened just as long as it did? Hes like my saving grace. Come out of nowhere when i least expect it and need him most. Its the way God wanted it to turn out. Does the rest truly matter?
Current mood:
cheerful.Current music: Anticonformity - Krystal Meyers.
I'm finally happy. I'm with a guy who truly cares about my well being. Someone who isnt too affected by the bad things i do,, and who loves me anyway. We dont have secrets. He knows more than my best friends ever did. Even the things im embarassed by his knowing. But he can see me,, at the core of who i am. But the funny thing is he loves me anyway. and go figure,, hes a christian too. Blonde hair,, blue eyes,, tall,, plays piano,, hes taking me to prom,, my parents adore him. As much as they can for the fact of them just being the parents of a teenage girl. But my father just thinks every little thing i ever do is inappropriate in some way. But whatever,, im not doing anything wrong. Not this time,, im not going to screw this up. Its good for me,, im becoming like him. And hes flat out amazing. Im going to be everything i never could have been before.
Before i thought i was in love,, blind from trying to see something that wasnt rele there. lying to myself enough that it became what i truly believed. I dont have to do that. It just happened. he was my best friend,, then he was my boyfriend. he'll wait for me,, and he wont give up. hes different from all the rest. im not a slut anymore. im all his. for as long as he wants me
Shes caught me in the midst of my freaking out. i really dont know why im freaking out,, but the last thing i need is the whole damn world to know. I wish i had never told anyone,, then i could figure it out amongst myself. No one else to worry about. i dont rele need anyone to hold me up,, no ones rele fit for the job anyway. Its like babysitting,, it almost seems like i need that much attention. Its coming back. The insecurity, the fat jokes, the pill popping, the vicious cycle of it all mashed together. continuous. Like everything i've learned being flushed down the toilet and im just me again. I have a boyfriend,, a real one. Theres no reason for it to end,, but that doesnt change how scared i am. And damnit, i wish i would stop freaking out. its nerve-wracking and unnecessary. Before there was always a reason, now theres not. End of discussion. But its not the end. Its back to the never ending internal babble. But its not just about random shit anymore. Now its back to debating over my future and how terrible its going to be. But what if its not? What if we stay together and i dont return to where i was before? i have to fight this, on my own. i cant let anyone know. i have to blow it off. I wish i didnt need him so bad,, but i dont believe he'll let me down. Hes amazing and he'll catch me,, if i'll only let him. and if he changes his mind when he realizes how insane i truly am? back to square one. Fight it. Weird as it is,, i need Rose. im not good at trusting new people. but the ones i've trusted with my life on countless occasions had to be new at some point too,, right? what if no one does find out,, and i rele did find another friend? maybe one who wont put my life at risk.. that sounds pretty good. i need to stop freaking out. Put up your weapons,, its time to fight. CHARGE!!!!
Current mood:
bitchy.Current music: Hello Seattle - Owl City.
I'm in love with him, plain and simple. I didnt know it before, but now im sure. But mother says no, so i have no idea what to say anymore. I guess there's nothing left to say.
Today i went to the state fair and there was a Saving Able and Hinder concert. my friend said that she had an extra ticket and that i could go with her, but then she changed her mind. so i got some money and went and i was gonna get one at the door. but then dalton had an extra ticket and he let me go with him and we were making out and i could see how much we both really did love each other. my first love still burning. but i couldnt live like that forever. when i kiss him, its so sweet it almost literally makes me sick. i get this knot in my stomach that i dont get with other guys. and its uncomfortable at least. but i love him and he sends butterflies all over my nerves. thats the real reason i broke up with him that first time. that he gave me that uncomfortable knot that made me sick all the time. not that my parents told me to, not that i didnt love him, cuz i still do. but because of that stupid knot and he was my first boyfriend. i had no idea what was going on. And now i am turning into the biggest slut ever cuz right after that dazzling moment of truth where dalton and i could be the way we should. i exited those doors and everything went back to the way it was before. i ended up making out with this mexican who thinks he looks like travis. which he kinda does, maybe thats why i fell for him. but the point is that i wish i could settle for one guy. i wish that i wasnt a slut, that i could go back to the way i was before. i could have had a perfectly magical night, but then i had to go and ruin it. i wish i would learn to think before i act.
he was basically my security blanket, and when i lost it.. it was like when your little and your parents just suddenly take away the blanket you've had for so long and it feels like your world is crashing for the first time. and no matter how much you scream, shout, or cry it wont make a bit of difference. the only difference is that now i know that i cant scream in public. but sometimes i do anyway.. and i dont cry in front of people. but i have shed a tear or five. okay, a lot more than that. and im not sure why. our relationship was so flawed. and my friend could see that. she could see the pain it brought me and she commented on it many times, but i never saw it for what it was, cause he taught me so many things. if it wasnt for this relationship, it would have taken me who knows how much longer to gain the confidence that i have. and it showed me the reality of gods protective shield over me. if i can manage to think rationally, i can see that this is a good thing. he will be happy, and if i can manage to get over him already like i should have done months ago, then my life will be so much better. and i know that i am probably repeating myself, but i need to keep telling myself these things. like if i just say it enough times, maybe it will stick with me and i can use it when i really need it. so this is the beginning of the end. but i think i know why it has taken me this long. in the middle of my healing process, someone put this idea in my head that i would get a second chance and ever since its like i've been holding my breath for that. and now that i have finally let it out, i am still trying to get used to the change in pressure, but when i do, it will feel so much better. i need to take this bullet and recover in my own privacy. one of the things that i've learned is that i cant talk to anyone about things of this nature. i used to talk it out with people, but then they got fed up with my inability to move on, and fix the problem. all i wanted to do was talk about it. but now im off and ready to fix it. but im gonna have to take my sweet time, and its not like i can get out of my own head. even though it might be nice sometimes. even i get tired of myself sometimes. i've wanted to slap myself across the face a time or another. i've even been tempted to ask someone else to hit me before, just so it would get done. i have deserved that, and yet i havent been hit that much yet. i deserve so much worse than whats happened to me. but here i am crying over the pathetic life i've had. i dont want pity, i just want to vent. is that such a terrible thing? well i guess no one is forcing you to read this. so anyway, what i need to do is think rationally and take baby steps and endeavor to overcome this. in the mean time, i have a feeling that church is gonna be miserable, and church was always the place i would go when i was upset to feel better. it was like i was thirsty all week, just waiting to go there and get a drink already. but now i cant turn there and i cant go and have a fun time any night i want to anymore, cause i just had to get caught. so im stuck here at home typing on my computer. but u make with what your given. whatever keeps me sane. or as close as i can get. but i am gonna have to focus every fiber of my being to keeping an open mind and thinking positive and not about what hes doing. which i have been doing a good job of so far. but now that i've said that, it'll probably jinx it and i'll be screwed. and i need to find someone else. i wish i could have just stayed with my first boyfriend. i still love him and he loves me, and we have risked so much and made it this far. but still here i am. i cant date him, for two main reasons. first, my mother doesnt approve and second, i would lose my best friend for good. which i am amazed i havent yet. after everything i have done to her of late. i think the only difference between me and jennifer is that i feel guilty about it to some degree after the fact. she never did. she got what she wanted and that was that. when she didnt, she cried and that was that. but i am turning into her and it scares me, but its like my genetic makeup has been changed and i dont know how to switch it back. i feel like the slut im turning into. sometimes when i look back on all the things ive done, i dont believe it and i cant recognize myself when i look in the mirror. but im still me and i chose to do those things. to stab people in the back, then cry about it afterwords. dont commit the sin, then you wont have to pay the consequences. right? but thats what i do and im not dumb either. im actually pretty smart, i just havent been using my head. ive been acting on impulse way too much and ive made myself literally sick worrying about it. i wonder if i can even get into heaven now. i mean im sorry, to a degree, but then theres the little detail that i continue to do it. i want to stop, i say im gonna change, but then i turn away. whats the point of having good times if they are only going to haunt me with their consequences forever? why cant i just have a good time without doing something wrong? am i really that evil? at the core i am evil, just like the entire human race. but the core of me is starting to show more and more each day. i have a real problem with jealousy, and i have been trying to help this for so long. i want to learn to control it to where i can somewhat stop hurting myself and everyone around me at least. at most, i want to be able to turn it off. its gotten a little better with the confidence boost this summer, but i still say and do the dumbest things. the whole acting on impulse thing again. i really need to stop doing that. maybe i should move somewhere and make a fresh start. no one will know my past, all the terrible things i've done and the terrible person i am at my core. make new friends and try to live a life that will matter. but i will just make more mistakes. mistakes are a part of life. you cant run away from that, no matter how hard you try. but there are people that know everything i think and how selfish i really am and can see through even my most convincing fake smile. and they still love me. so i just need to stick by those people and sleep in the bed i have made for myself until i can gather the courage to stand up and go face the world. i belong to a church, no matter if my ex boyfriend goes there and i have made out with random people i have never dated before there. those are things i need to live with, but i am still surrounded to a much better degree by people that love me no matter how bad i mess up. thats what the church family is. i cant ask for perfection, they are all still human. just like me. so i just need to go and try to focus on god, instead of the people. he should be the reason why i go, but when im telling the truth he isnt. i go for the fellowship. i need friends more than almost anything else. i am going to go and sing in the band and be with the friends that love me and learn about god and talk to new people and try to learn to live with the consequences to my mistakes, which seem like a fresh slap in the face every time i have to see or think about them. but really i wish that it could just be a physical slap. that seems easier actually, that someone could just slap me hard enough and then when i recovered, then everything would go back to normal and be okay and there wouldnt be any hard feeling from their side anymore. then i would have to get over that, and everything would be at peace again. right now, im thinking rationally, but most of the time i follow my heart. my feelings, impulses. and it gets me into alot of trouble. feeling arent rational and they can be predictable, but it still doesnt prepare you for how well they come over you. or what you'll do when they do, how you'll react...
Current mood:
apathetic.Current music: unbeautiful - lesly roy.
I've always talked about going to the fair and having a great time with a guy and making out and everything in the process. like those couples that you see hugging and kissing all over the place that make you want to gag only because you wish it was you. And this year i did. and then i was hanging out with my ex boyfriend and alot of different people and then i found out he was gonna ask out this chick that goes to my church and my school. and i made a bad exit from there, but it was a good thing i got out of there. hes now dating her. and im gonna have to see it at church and school. i want to die under a hole, but then i started thinking. we never really had anything. all i did when i was with him was complain about how we never talked or hanged out enough and i couldnt live with that forever. theres no point in being in a relationship that isnt going to lead to marriage, which should be forever. and its been awhile and i've been with other guys who actually have made me happier than he did. also, i was in love with him. which is the only thing that made it hard for me to see all of this rationally. but when i push my emotions aside and think through all of this rationally, i realize that if he is happy, then i should be happy. and the way he said that he liked her... i guess i just hope that it works out for him and her and that he is happy. and i also hope that i will find a guy that is for me. but until that happens, i need to get over him. it will take away so much unnecessary stress. and make my life so much easier. maybe if i could just have friends and not worry about guys in that sense. that would be better for me. if i could manage that.
In church today, they said specifically that it was bad to dwell on your mistakes. and that real christians would know they were forgiven, or something like that. Thats what i heard, but i may have gotten the wrong idea. Anyway, thats what im doing. The one who i cheated on my bf with called me while i was at church and i ran out and talked to him. but he didnt rele say anything once i told him i was there. he was just gonna let me go and he didnt want me to go through the trouble of calling him back. so it just brought back all of that for me and rose's back is hurting and i hope its nothing serious. i am gonna pray for her and she isnt happy anymore. the thing that was keeping us sane isnt there anymore. and thats each other. we kept each other going. now i dont feel like theres anyone i can talk to and i dont want to talk anyway. the only person i want to talk to i cant. and when she goes off, it almost feels like im being left out and for some reason, i find it easier to blame her. cause she used to do that and i guess it triggered something. but rele, its my fault that we cant hang out. i decided to take too much and get caught doing so. this is my doing. my retribution. and im definitely feeling it. its wearing on me. but this whole writing thing is helping, so maybe i'll just do this. babble in worded form on the internet. wonderful idea. and i kissed jarrod today. it didnt even faze me. its amazing how much of a slut i have become. i hate it, i hate me. if it were humanly possible, i would rele like to kick my own ass. im not a poligomist, therefore i am supposed to have one husband. which is gonna be pretty freaking hard if i keep running around with multiple guys all the time. sure, im single. but that doesnt make it okay for me to run around and make out with anyone anytime i want to. and i kissed dalton just days prior. and i felt so bad, i think its cause of alice. and i wish that it wasnt there, and dalton and i could just be me and dalton again. but again, i made my bed and now i have to lie in it. i kinda wish that someone would cheat on me, kind of even out the score. hurt me some more, and maybe it would make something better. jennifer said it was okay to do whatever with whoever as long as you are single. but the only thing that it does is takes one sin away from the entire mess. the only difference is your not hurting someone particular in the process. but you are acting on impulse, or at least i always am and indulging in the closest i will ever get to lustful actions. and then theres the things people say and think about you. i dont care even half as much as i used to, but i still dont want everyone thinking im a slut, which im sure they already do. but i dont even think about the things i do. kinda explains my behavior. but thats not an excuse. i need to change my life, i need to make better decisions. i need to find a bf and love him and no one else like i love him. keep all those types of feeling reserved for him and him alone and be friends and nothing more with all my other guy friends. and i need to change my way of thinking and start to learn to control this little green monster inside of me. i have always had a bad problem with jealousy.. and its not pretty and im tired of watching it ruin relationships i have with people. i need to change. now.
this summer i didnt write on here at all. but i think i should have. it would make an honest account of everything that happened and how i felt. cuz honestly, some things are getting a little sketchy. i snuck out of the house so much. and i drove around with guys i didnt know. and i got drunk for the first and last time. and i was surrounded by so many drugs. but i didnt do any of them, not even the cigarettes. i kissed my ex when he was dating my best friend and i cheated on my bf. the one who i later grew to love and then i lost. but i dont think he knows about that, and i hope to god he never has to find out. i dont want him to be hurt, but its over between us. he is now my brother. he is actually the brother of my best friend since forever, so now he has taken over that in my life. and sometimes we talk and occasionally i get the courage to ask for a hug or something. but most of the time i just sit and i always know where he is if he is within a certain distance of me. im always precariously aware of his presence. its been almost two months and i did that, and somehow it still hasnt gotten any easier. cuz i regretted that night ever since it was over, but i wasnt thinking while it was going on. obviously. and all this time, i still went to church every time the doors were open and i was trying to be good, but then i would sneak out and go and have fun. sometimes the fun wasnt as much fun as i expected and sometimes the fun went too far. but this has been the funnest, hardest, best summer of my life. i hung out with friends and i made new friends and i learned soooo much. this is also the first summer i went to a real church camp. i went to two actually. Lift was the most amazing experience. it helped me so much. at first i thought that it couldnt be set at a worse time. cuz i kinda broke up with my bf the morning we left. so that took up most of my mindset. but god gave me the peace i needed to survive that week. i felt more at peace than i ever had before. god was almost tangible around me. it was the first time i had ever experienced something like that, and i've never prayed so hard in my life. I learned social skills. Now i can actually talk to people in ways i only dreamed of before. and i can make friends quick. and what was weird was how when your in the most unlikely place for it, you can find god there. when i was drunk, i could feel god around me and i know it was him. he was telling me to stop, but i kept going. i was lucky i didnt drink myself to death. i did throw up all my guts and pass out on the couch of ppl i met that night. and i had a two day hangover. so i learned my lesson easy on that one. but the sneaking out, i was trying to stop. but then the cops caught us and they made me call my parents. lets just say i have stayed at home since, and now my phone is virtually useless to me. my parents track all my texts and calls, and even if i delete them, they will call alltel and get them printed off. so i cant talk to my best friend, who was the one who talked me into all this. but she is different now, in small ways. but i am not gonna do that again. i am not getting into any more trouble with the law or i am going to be so screwed over it will not even be funny. So now i am trying to do my work and think about what i want to do with the rest of my life so i can decide on some classes and just take everything one day at a time. i'm learning as i go along
Current mood:
crushed.